Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.