I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
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Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive