Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
The Punning Dead.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
A small tragedy.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.