*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
first you must answer his riddles
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q