Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Great acting.. 😂
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Somebody’s lying.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.