This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
*Inspirational Tweets*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄