Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!