Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
im all 3
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”