@MomOnFire: Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn't invited to.
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@meredithkachel: You know what they say: Can't spell brother without broth! *pan to my brother sitting in a cauldron, cutting carrots. He waves*
@: Cop: We're sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality
@PissAndry: These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these day--oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
@jeremiahtolbert: Toddler, sleepily: "A lot of people live in our house." Me: "Momma, Matty, and me. That's all." Toddler, pointing behind me: "And them too." I turn to see an empty hallway. I'm 99% certain it was an empty hallway.