Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
You Might Also Like
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Sticker placement is key.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?