Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this