@Papa_Mex: Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn't want to go to the store...
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@TommyWallace: [First date] okay just dont let her know you're a trump supporter Her: so what kinda wine should I get Me: haha white is always the best
@maughammom: Me: "You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!" Grandma: "Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."
@jergarl: 8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I'm telling mom.
@CroweJam: The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.