Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy