Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.