@armyVet1972: Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, "Wow you're, like, older than my dad!"
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@shawnspree: Me: (Insert inspirational quote here) Wife: Wow. That's deep, who said that? Me: I did. Didn't you hear me speak just now?
@MrMildSauce: It's not working. I've napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
@causticbob: Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work. The dog probably just thinks, "Awesome, now we're both barking."