@armyVet1972: Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, "Wow you're, like, older than my dad!"
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@Sickayduh: I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media
@Spaziotwat: [First date] Him:"Waiter!" Waiter:"Sir?" Him:"Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen"
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day- *puts TV remote to my ear* Hello? Hey Bob- [hand covering remote] -sorry honey, I have to take this.