Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
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ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Cashiers are always checking me out
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.