Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Your secret is safeish with me
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.