Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*exercises sarcastically*
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?