bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.