Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???