Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
#SuperBowl
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁