ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes