I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.