@rationalists: Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
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@FatherWithTwins: Me: *yells something Wife: I can't hear you Me: *whispers something under my breath Wife: I heard that!!
@squirrel74wkgn: She says, the kids want to go to the circus. I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid's closet wearing a clown costume.
@KentWGraham: If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
@Nikkeya08: Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler's hand and scream "NOT TODAY SATAN!"