@rationalists: Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
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@Lisabug74: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
@simoncholland: Can't believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
@david8hughes: [at the mall] "I've lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?" "Sure, what's his name?" "Xander." "See, that's why he ran off."