[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.