Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table