Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
May have had one breakfast too many
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.