Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
This was a bad idea all around
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Social distancing in Australia:
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.