bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.