bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore