Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
#ProTip
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid