“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
You Might Also Like
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Shoo shoo! 馃槀
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W