“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
You Might Also Like
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.