Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
You Might Also Like
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.