Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
This will never not be funny 😭
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
B
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror