Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck