Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
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god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
(Gaming support cat.)
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now