@NYC_Blonde: Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you're God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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@Rollmaninoz: Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she's never used Chanel 1-4 Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he's back here again
@david8hughes: [knock at door] Cop: open up, it's the police Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I'm not here Cop: are you in Estonia? Me: I am. I'm in Estonia
@MadamBetteNoire: Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?