Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.