BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real