Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
LA today:
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them