Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
You Might Also Like
Lucky for them, they’re cute
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.