Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
New mindset, who dis?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”