Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
In Canada they just call them geese
be careful
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
then why did i get this email
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders