Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?