Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.