[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
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A bold strategy
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
How it started: How it’s going:
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.