[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
You Might Also Like
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.