If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I have a new favorite meme page
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?