My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I feel it
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?