Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
May never get over this
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.