*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If a snake ate a cake
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me