Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT