[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’m being attacked 😭
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
How to woo a woman
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Customer is always right
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.